Twenty-five years ago ... my glimpse

She was just a little girl - our 4-year-old little - spunky, strong-willed, energetic, full of life - girl.  Twenty-five years ago... the doctor told us we should do further testing... shouldn't still be hearing that heart murmur.  Funny, no one had ever told us she even had a heart murmur.  No symptoms - no shortness of breath - no lack of energy.  She had an ASD - a hole in her heart, that needed to be repaired.  Children recover much better than adults - the sooner the better.  After many hours of prayer and consultation, we planned for surgery.

March 15, 1991 - Being sensitive to her, the surgeon made the cut from the center of her chest in a vertical line concluding just under her left arm.  A chest tube was inserted just below the cut for drainage.  Surgery was successful and within 2 days, Katie was moved to a regular room.  The third day came with a vengeance  - high fever and an immediate medical reaction/protocol.  Bloodwork every 30 minutes to watch for infection and the call for an X-ray for clarity in next steps.

In order to achieve the needed picture of her heart, the instructions were clear and precise.  Frank encouraged as I followed the physical directions of the technician.  Katie was almost limp, could barely stand on her own, high fever for several hours, couldn't eat or drink, weak, and exhausted.  She must stand up against this wall... right here on the X on the floor.  She must lift both her arms above her head - her hands side by side just over her head.  Her little gown was sliding to the side - opened in the front so the technician could be sure the equipment was capturing the needed image.

"Mom, you have to step away from her for the X-ray."  

I stepped back and felt helpless. 
 I saw my child - in such pain. 

Her hands.. both bloody from necessary iv marks.... the nails driven in Jesus' hands.
Her raw stitches closing the gaping hole on her left side... His pierced side with a spear.
Her head plagued with the heaviness of fever slumped on her chest... He gave up His spirit. 
Her hair was matted from tubes and wires that had helped her breathe... His crown of thorns.
Her longing look to me for help... Jesus' words - My God, My God, why have You forsaken me?
Her kind glance to the nurse... Jesus' words - Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.

Never would I begin to equate my thoughts as a parent to the unthinkable pain and anguish between God, the Father as Jesus, His Son, was so brutally murdered; but for a moment my heart was breaking for that precious child of mine.  For just a moment, I experienced unspeakable emotion and, in my case, helplessness to know how to comfort her.

I promise you I would have taken every ounce of that pain and experience in place of Katie without a thought because I love her as fully and completely as humanly possible.

Our Father simply... "so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."  John 3:16

I will never fully understand that love, but I am eternally grateful for it.  It is still the best news .... while his disciples were still talking about what had happened... "Jesus himself stood among them and said to them, 'Peace be with you.'"

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